(Originally posted September 17, 2013 at 6:43 pm)
I’m betting you didn’t know this, but according to my little brother’s wife, who cites ‘reliable sources’, every time you masturbate God kills a kitten. When she broke this news to me this afternoon I immediately realized that just since Monday I’ve unknowingly taken out two litters of those cute little furry felines all by myself. Then the greater magnitude of the situation hit me and I realized the world would drown if I had a tear for every kitten I’ve ‘single handedly’ rent asunder over my lifetime. Most of them terminated with extreme prejudice, figuratively speaking.
I’ve always been a cat lover; they’re my favorite quadruped, so as you can imagine this news comes as quite a shock to me. Now every time I see a xeroxed photo of a kitten stapled to a telephone pole with the words, “Have you seen this cat?” I feel a little guilty. It’s very likely that I was the reason that poor family lost their precious pet. Was I wrong when I thought that if I did it real quiet God might not notice? Guess so.
Could it be that I’m the ‘Jack the Ripper’ of the cat world? That’s not a very good comparison as Jack the Ripper doesn’t have nowhere near my numbers, but I think you know what I mean. Are the souls of the countless kittens I’ve unwittingly mowed down over the years dragging behind me like empty beer cans tied to the back of a car?
And what if the world found out? I can see the headlines now, “Crazy Chris’ Carnal Cravings Kill Cat Colonies: Populations Dwindling!” Peta would be petitioning the government to have my hands surgically removed at the wrists.
And the crux of the matter is, what did the poor cats do to God warrant such smiting? I have this vision in my head of some cute little kitten sitting in a room, playing with a ball or some string and out of nowhere this loud booming voice says, ‘Here kitty kitty’, then CRUNCH!
Who knows? It could go something like, ‘You know I hate to do this to you Fluffy, but that Chris is such a bad bad man,’ and then CRUNCH!
Either way it’s bad for the cat. And what happens when we run out of cats? Hopefully God will choose a creature I don’t like such as spiders.
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