I think I just I just had a stroke… of genius!
Ok, here’s the deal… religious people will buy anything when it comes to their faith. Here’s an excerpt from my book Anti-Theist:
“Have you heard about the nutbag televangelist John Avanzini who would go around giving people shiny stones which they were supposed to carry around with them? Yes, he gives them these stones and tells them to rub them and pray to them, and God will answer their prayers. He read in the book of Judges 6 that Gideon set an offering of goat meat and bread on a rock and an angel touched the meat and bread with his staff and fire flared from the rock, consuming the meat. This somehow makes all little rocks holy if properly blessed by this dipshit. I want to call him a whack job, but the real fools are the people who fall for this crap. He also has a special method of helping you get out of debt. Send him a check equivalent to one month’s rent on your home and God will shower you with prosperity. Just remember to keep rubbing your lucky rock.”
Mallard, Christopher (2013-05-14). Anti-Theist (Kindle Locations 2678-2683). . Kindle Edition.
In January 1987 Oral Roberts went on TV and told his flock that God had spoken to him and told him he needed to raise $8 million dollars or god was going to call him home. The money was to go for full scholarships for medical missionaries and to prop up the City of Faith clinic and medical school which he had founded.
In April 1987 Roberts announced they had raised a total of $9.1 million dollars. August of 1987 he announced the clinic would be closed and in January 1988 Oral Roberts canceled the free tuition program. It was all a lie that filled his pockets with money and increased his world wide name recognition.
All he did was make a claim which no one could disprove, and then depended on the gullibility of his flock to do the rest. How much time did he spend in prison for fleecing his followers out of over $9 million? Not a day.
After considering such things, I thought of a new money making scheme, uhmmm I mean program, a money making program. I want to sell swords for the afterlife! You heard that right… Soul Swords! You can’t see them or feel them of course, until after you die, but rest assured when you reach the next world and are slaying all the demons and non-believers in god’s victorious return to Earth, you’ll have the coolest sword of anyone. If this works I may expand my stock to include all manner of ethereal armor. I’ll be the Underarmor of Up Above. I’ll call it ‘AfterArmor’. Get your heavenly V cut now! Customers can send me their $ and a rough description of their afterlife sword and armor and, well, that’s it really.
I’ll even give a 100% money back guarantee. There’s an old style door knocker on my wall. After you pass away, if you are displeased with the product, simply knock the knocker 5 times and I’ll refund every penny.
When the lamb breaks the seal and the armies of heaven are called down upon the Earth, don’t be embarrassed with a crappy old sword as you cut down your old heathen buddies. Get your Soul Sword today! Starting at $150 and going way up.
I’ll also have an ‘AfterArmor’ polishing charge. There will be a large upfront fee for the sword and armor and then a monthly ‘polishing’ fee to make sure it’s all shiny.
You never know when you’re going to step out into traffic and meet Jesus. You want that armor shiny at all times!
And what I do is this, I have real angels keep it shiny and pay them by living lavishly here on earth so they can enjoy those things vicariously through me.
Ahhhh, being crazy feels so gooood sometimes.
I do not accept ‘Afterlife Dollars’. As the church process dictates, I get paid up front.
The Adventures of…
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